When You're Older
by saphire2moon
Summary: Rated M. AttonxExile story. After the fight with Kreia, the crew of the Ebon Hawk are in a noraml setting. Pressures and love. RxR


Oh Boy! Another M rated fic. I'm beginning to think I'm getting better at these. Damn! There aren't a lot of AttonxExile are there? Oh well, I think this is a nice one. Read and Enjoy!

Flames and all unicorns and nymphs go out of business!

WHEN YOU'RE OLDER

Kiara waited miserably, staring out at the bleak dense forest that was covering the cockpit window. She cursed herself silently, slightly appalled at her rough language. In a desperate huff, she whirled the seat around and glared at the cockpit entrance. Nobody came. "Dammit!" she cursed, and whirled again to narrow her eyes at the forest. "Unrestricted planet, dense forests, 'perfect hideout' he says. "Yeah, perfect my finely toned Jedi ass. Damn you Bao-Dur, when you get back, I'm going to…"

She didn't finish her threat, when footsteps caught her ears. In a flash, Kiara was up on her feet ready to pound the nose of the first man who came into the area. No such luck on her part. In came Mira, with her smug disposition, which did nothing to improve Kiara's rising anger. "Still waiting for the boys to return, huh?" she mocked, finding it too entertaining to not bug the high-strung Exile.

"Where are they anyway?" Kiara sat back down with a huff and growled lightly. "They promised they would be back about an hour ago. What are they doing?"

Mira sighed, forgetting the superiority, and rushing into friend mode. "They'll be back, don't worry. Look, Bao-Dur is an excellent guide and Mical is one hell of a look-out, sort of."

Kiara blinked in confusion before suddenly remembering herself. "Of course," she stumbled out sitting straighter in the chair and pretending to log in new coordinates. "They're more than capable of taking care of themselves. I mean after all, they all survived the battle against the sith, they can handle of few vicious creatures."

Mira coughed, stopping Kiara in mid-rant. "You're not worried about those two are you?" Kiara looked up at Mira with pitiful eyes.

"Am I that easy to read?"

"Afraid so princess." Kiara smiled slightly at the childish nickname. Mira was right. She wasn't worried about her Disciple or Bao-Dur, though she certainly didn't want to see them hurt. She was worried about the third party.

Atton Rand. The bane of all the laws and codes she had pounded into her Jedi mind; who had been first seen in a prison cell on a lonely space station. Not the most romantic thought in the world, but to Kiara, it would always be a happy memory.

Mira sighed again at the distant, yet dreamy look on the Exile's face. "Look, the girls; me, Visas, and-hell- maybe even T3, we'll all take a break and drink some drinks, maybe go the old fashion way and play pazaac." Mira continued on, but Kiara was daydreaming again.

Pazaac. An easy game, unless you were playing against Atton. That man could play, and when Kiara had gotten enough courage to ask about the rules, he had smiled at her in a way that made her heart jump against her ribs and said, "Yeah sure." Simply that, and yet Kiara knew she was lost. They had spent that entire night playing. They talked too, but there hadn't been much to say. At the time, she hadn't known he had killed so many of her kind, but neither did he know she had that much power either. Still they had talked, about their lives up until Peragus.

"Hey, are you even listening to me?" Kiara blinked out of her stupor again, and looked up at Mira.

"What?"

Mira groaned. "I swear, its like talking to a brick wall. No! It's like talking to that damn Mandalorian." Mira rubbed her eyes. "Look, why the hell don't you just sleep with the damn man! Get it out of your system, before you explode!"

Kiara could feel the hot red blush crawl traitorously over her neck. "I have no idea what you're talking about."

Mira smiled evilly. "Oh, but I think you do Jedi. Don't think I'm the only one who hasn't noticed the looks you give our pilot, or the subtle touches you give him when he's injured. I admit you would probably heal any one of us-that I am thankful for-even so you linger on him more than anybody else, even Mical!" Mira huffed in finality. "So just sleep with the guy. He's nice, a great fighter, and seriously good looking."

Kiara sighed and stood up. She brushed off the dust that had gathered on her robes and shook her head. "I'm a Jedi, Mira. There is no possible way I could ever truly be with Atton, no matter how much I want to." The last words were in a whisper, so small Mira had to strain to hear them.

"Well anyway, come on! You need some relaxation time. Come catch a break with us. The bossy boys, except one, are off in adventure land, and nothing left but a few annoying druids. Lets stew over how men are cheesy." Kiara laughed happily. "Well they are!" Mira cried. Kiara turned to look one more time at the dense, cold bush. Maybe, she did need time to relax. Turning to Mira, who smiled with a triumphant air, she grinned. "Alright, you win."

!#$%%^&&*()_+

"I'm telling you, the best way to take them is if they're half-asleep!"

Kiara laughed joyfully at Mira's drunken announcement. Visas-who was nowhere near as drunk as Mira-laughed slightly and sipped softly at the cool drink. "Men are a scary thought to me, I still don't get why they must have larger organs then we do."

Mira gulped, on her fifth drink Kiara might add, and sighed beautifully. "So they have something to put into us of course." Mira broke out into fits of giggles, and almost lost all the air she consumed.

"Good thing the Mandalorian isn't here or he might just puck in his helmet!"

Both Kiara and Visas exchanged a look before the image sent them both into belly laughs. Kiara turned to the sound of T3 rolling into the room with more drinks. He beeped a warning, which Kiara roughly translated. "He says we shouldn't drink anymore."

Mira blew a raspberry at the handy droid. "Says who? You? As if!" She downed another drink and hiccupped. "But in my opinion, I have never found a man who could actually hold his own. All they do is whine and complain. 'Oh please! Don't kill me! My bounty isn't even all that big!'"

For an emphasis, Mira threw her arms open wide almost socking Visas straight in the face. Visas, despite being slightly drunk, dodged in time for the fist to knock Kiara smack in the cheek. She barely felt it. "Oops," Kiara mumbled softly massaging her cheek.

Mira continued on, much to Visas shock, on all the positions she had been in with men, in the most intimate detail. Kiara was elsewhere.

She was thinking. Her thoughts were on Atton, and the thought of love. How long as it been since she had to kill Kreia. A month? Two months? It seemed like longer then that and even in the end, when they had all barely escaped with their lives, they had never discussed any topic on love. Atton had become his normally cheerful and sarcastic self, but there was tension. It leaked from the pores when they were alone or when they were both in the cockpit.

Such a closed space. How many times had she dreamed of him taking her there, in that room while the stars of space danced around them? How many times had she wished to simply curl up in his lap while he flew the Ebon Hawk to another destination? Too many to count, in her opinion.

She was a Jedi for God's sake. An Exiled one, but still a Jedi. Atton, no matter how much he said otherwise, despised Jedi. Not only did her code, her laws say she shouldn't fraternize with a man, but he would dislike every minute of it.

In her drunken state, she failed to realize that M4 had approached them. "Inquiry: Master if I am not mistaken, you are intoxicated." Kiara glanced up at her droid and smiled sadly.

"Yeah, you would be correct about that."

Mira hiccupped but had enough sense to grin at the droid. "What do you need droid?" M4, if he could, would have most definetly sniffed at her. "Statement: The party going out to explore the area has returned."

Kiara stood stiff straight, alcohol purged immediately. She stood only to find she was not quite steady on her feet.

"I have to go," she said groggily.

Mira laughed, hiccupped and groaned. "Sit, stupid Jedi, you can sleep it off, or meditate, or whatever it is you do, later. Right now, bask in the effects of alcohol."

Visas-smooth and calm Visas-giggled shyly. "Yeah, I feel greater then I ever have in my life."

Mira grinned and slapped Visas on the back cheerfully. "See, she has enough sense to let it go, why not you?" The last words were said in such a way that Kiara had a feeling Mira wasn't as drunk as she let on.

She would have left. Gone to her quarters and meditated for some peace and quiet. Then she would have headed down to the garage and trained her muscles for a good hour or so and then headed off the bed. In that instant, when she heard the distinct sound of airlocks releasing and muffled male voices arguing down the halls, she lost all battles.

In a huffed sigh, she limped down into the chair and stared off into the distance. Mira, eager for her victory, cried out in toast and gulped another drink. T3 beeped occasionally at Kiara's side, but she said nothing. Too much thinking, she thought. Way too damn much thinking. Why did everything have to rest on her shoulders all the time? She grumbled a little and curled up, hugging her knees. She had long since discarded her proper robe and dressed in a white small outfit. It was tons comfier and a lot nicer.

"What are you three doing?" The three in question, looked up simultaneously at the men standing in the entrance to the map room.

Bao-Dur, arms full of medical and mechanical supplies had his mouth hung open in surprise. Kiara's Disciple, Mical looked innocently stunned at the calm women's drunken stares. Finally, _he_ walked in, and Kiara's heart skipped a nasty beat.

He looked rugged and tired and the badly disguised confusion and surprise made his face seem almost angelic. She sighed as all the recognition hit her. She was in love. The three men turned their gazes from Mira, who smiled and waved stupidly; to Visas, whose face had turned a pretty shade of pink; then finally to Kiara's. Her face, however, looked miserably tired and worn out from lack of sleep.

Atton's heart bled.

Kiara rotated her worn neck and chuckled slightly. Mira didn't answer, but she would have if M4 hadn't interfered. "Exaggerated Statement: They are obviously intoxicated. Request: Master I would ask if you would go to bed and rest now." Kiara, dulled by the alcohol and embarrassment, waved his statement away. "No, I'm okay, just needed to sit for a while, right Mira?"

Mira lifted her arms and swiveled around on the chair. "We all needed to just unwind ourselves that's all!" She laughed and motioned T3 over to her.

Reluctantly, the droid went. She patted it on the head. "Good boy, now bring us some more drinks." The droid beeped loudly and Kiara smiled weakly at it. "It's fine, T3. Just do what she wants." The droid crooned, but went on to follow the order. The three stricken men finally moved. Mical rushed over to Kiara in a fashion that had her silently gagging. "Master, why have you been drinking? This is poison for your body."

Mira growled at him. "So what if she's been drinking. At some point in time, we all need to relax. In my opinion the girl was way overdue." Mical stood and flustered a little. "I'll head to the med station and get some medicine." Before Kiara could stop him, he rushed off. Annoyed at herself, Kiara pushed herself up and moved slowly towards her room. Boa-Dur rushed up to catch her before she fell.

"General, you have to take the medicine your Disciple is bringing, please sit." Kiara grumbled in anger before turning her eyes to him. She whispered. He lurched back. His eyes danced with concern as she pushed up again and walked away, but not to her room. No, she walked to the one place she needed to be.

Atton's gaze followed her direction and felt some happiness bubble aside the worry and anger. She was heading into the cockpit. His domain. Pride and temper had him staying to help carry Visas to her room. When the former sith was rested in her cot, he walked over to the med room. Mical- darn him- was busy setting up medicine for the sickly Jedi. "I just don't understand why Master Kiara would do such a thing. Jedi Knights are not allowed to drink. It is part of the code. Drinking, killing in cold blood, sex, they are all against the codes."

Atton felt the temper he harvested brim. "Maybe she's tired of the old ways, every think of that kid?" Mical blinked in confusion. "She's the last true Jedi though, why would she be tired of the traditions?"

It hit Atton. All the avoidances, the sad looks, the lack of sleep, they were all her stress. That stress brought on by the Jedi and their _ways_. He felt it, the deep hatred. Again, the Jedi ruin his life. The woman he cared for, and watched over, and loved; she was the only one he could stand. She was the one who offered to make him into a better man and he refused to give her the one thing she needed most. Love. In a fit of impatience, Atton grabbed the medicine from the Disciple and rushed out of the room. Tonight was the night he would prove it.

Kiara stared out at the trees. "Déjà vu," she murmured and rested silently in the co-pilot's seat.

She didn't lift her gaze when the entrance hissed open and heavy-set boots clunked inside. The door hissed closed and the boots tapped viciously. Kiara had expected this. Despite his easy manner, Atton was also known for his extreme temper.

"What the hell was going through that complicated mind of yours?"

Figuring the question was rhetorical Kiara didn't say anything. "I mean, getting yourself sickly drunk. That is a heck of a way to kill yourself." Kiara winced slightly.

"I'm sorry," she murmured.

"Yeah well sorry isn't going to cut it, Sweetheart."

Atton came around, took a seat in his chair and turned to look at her. She shifted his gaze to stare at him. His hair was ruffled, the dark golden locks twisted in odd angles, his faces held smudges of dirt and hell and heaven knows what else. His eyes pierced her with guilt, and his lips beckoned with their serious frown. She could see down his shirt, curse him for wearing the loose white with his vest. She trailed back up to his face, so serious and strict, so worried. "God your gorgeous," she whispered. His face pulled up in surprise. Then his face shifted to slight humor.

"Oh no, you are not changing the subject here."

Kiara leaned back and turned to look at the wall of green again. Damn, she thought, I hate green.

Atton sighed. Turned to the intercom and switched it on. "Attention folks. We're headed up so buckle your belts and get ready for lift off."

He switched to the pilot mode fast, Kiara mused. It fit him like the fingerless gloves he wore. When they cleared the planets gravity, he switched the controls to auto and sat back at the helm. The captain of a ship, and she wasn't the captain. She was only the first mate, yet she seemed to be the boss. She hated being the boss.

"Why?"

The question was so abrupt that it caught Kiara off guard for a second. "I don't truly know." A soft groan wafted into the room, and Kiara couldn't help but smile. "You are a frustrating person, I hope you know that."

She nodded slightly and stared at the racing stars. Silence ensued for what seemed like forever. He reached over and tossed her the med-pack. "Here, the kid made this for your headache and sickness. Should help cure the alcohol out of your system." Kiara took it and downed the sickening substance with a grimace. She finally met his eyes again. They were busy typing down pilot things on the desk.

Her gaze drifted to his hands. Such elegant hands yet rough and calloused at the cores. Her heart thudded as she imagined him running his hands down her back and over her front. She shuddered as her breasts started to feel to heavy in her clothes. Ignore it, she mentally told herself; you have no right when he is mad at you. "Hey," he said finally. Kiara looked up and blinked at him.

He was staring at her in a curious manner. "You know you can talk to me if you have any problems, right?" He watched her nod silently and turn to stare back at space. She was brilliant in the dim light of the stars. Her auburn hair, so normally pinned up in a fashionable manner, hung loose to her shoulders and twirled against her creamy skin. Her sad deep blue eyes shifted from star to star as it traveled past. He roamed until he stared at her exposed neck, long and delicate that harvested a voice sung in a cantina at midnight. On their own accord, his eyes drifted still lower to her chest. It heaved softly, the treasure covered beneath medium to a gentlemen's taste. He longed to reach out and cup the globes beneath, but he resisted. That was the last thing he wanted to do to start his plan. Instead he retraced to her face. He ignored the deep purple shadows under eyes and fixed on the lips. Not plump or thin, but just right to want to nip and kiss at. Shaking his head clear, he focused on the schematics in front of him.

She spoke then, in the voice of clear glass. "I really am sorry, Atton. I wasn't thinking clearly."

He turned to look at her again to find, to his utter rush of worry, tears running down her face. "I really just wanted to feel something," she sobbed out. His hands stilled and he swiveled to walk over to her. He crouched down and took her delicate hands. It still amazed him beyond anything that these hands been trained to kill. No, he thought, to protect. Not just those she cared for, but for others as well. She was fair as Jedi should be, and she had patience to spare. He wanted so badly to hold her and help chase both of their demons away, but he knew he couldn't.

Not now, not ever. His plan crushed into dust. All she needed was love, yet the Council had ruined any chance she would ever have. Atton started to pull away when the fingers clenched on tight.

"Please," she whispered in desperation. "Don't." Just those words had him freeze. He looked into her eyes. The blue beckoned, like a blue sea of torment and confusion. He knew without a doubt he had no right to touch this perfect woman. And there was no doubt no man had ever touched her. Then she moved. Their lips met in the gentlest of kisses. It flared. His entire being was swallowed in an instant and he devoured.

Kiara had simply been feeling like shit when she cried. It hurt more when he started to leave. She hadn't been thinking, yet that was exactly the point. And the minute their lips had met she knew there was no way she would ever leave. He grasped desperately at her as if he was drowning. She knew she was. Her fingers fell away from his to grasp at his hair and she parted her mouth, unaware of what she was truly doing. He swept in, his tongue taking possession of her. She let out a tiny sigh and hugged him closer. His tongue beat next to hers.

He pulled away first, whether to simply get oxygen or to think, she had no idea. She knew she wasn't going to let him leave her now. As soon as he started to protest, she kissed him again. Whatever that did it convinced him not to think anymore.

He grabbed at her clothes in a hasty motion. "Take this off," he said harshly. She complied, not at all frightened like she believed she should have been, but then again this was right. In her heart she was simply giving her love away to him. As soon as she untied her clothes she slipped them off. He gazed in wonder before lifting a hand to stroke her skin. "You're lovely, Kiara." She laughed breathlessly. "You are too, but I wonder if you could do the same." He grinned in his usual manner and left caution to the wind. He stripped his vest and threw it across the room, then pulled off his shirt.

She fluttered her hands over his chest to find it lightly dusted with hair and stronger than steel. She laughed nervously before leaning down to kiss his shoulder. "I love you," she whispered softly against his skin and kissed again. He brought his arms around her and hugged her close. The contact left her breathless, but she felt his heart thud against her. "I love you more than I ever thought possible." He leaned down and kissed her softly and deep. She sighed and moaned into the kiss.

He pulled his hands away and undid his pants. She felt ho fear, slightly nervous, but mostly anticipation. "I'm going to show you now Kiara." She nodded and enveloped him in a hug. He tossed her clothes onto the floor and gently set her down on top of them. She stared up at him. He kissed her forehead. "It'll hurt, and I'm sorry for that." She knew this already, but nodded instead of arguing with him.

In one move, he was directly above her and staring at her with eyes full of love. He positioned himself and when she met his gaze whispered again. "I love you." He plunged in one move. Kiara gasped in shock and clung to him with all her might. He whispered calmly to her, kissed her face in reassurance. When the pain faded and warmth and emotions flooded her she nodded for him to move.

He made love to her. Soft and slow until she asked him to move faster and then faster still, and he obliged to her wishes. He was certain the entire Ebon Hawk could hear them, but in all honesty he didn't give a damn. Screw that kid, or the know-it-all mechanic, or the Mandalorion scum, she was his and only his. When the light behind his eyes flashed brightly he groaned, thrusting one last time to empty himself. He collapsed on top of her.

Their pants were one, but his happiness burst forth from his chest. She had his heart. She had it the moment she had stepped into the prison cell of Peragus, in her half-naked clad glory. He said this now as she laughed.

At some point they stood and gathered clothes. They thought about returning to the station and mapping out the direction, but it was a shot plan when they bumped into each other to reach the controls. They moved to the bedroom.

Kaira awoke with a slightly dazed expression. She shifted a little, her muscles sore, whether from the drinking or the lovemaking she couldn't tell. Kiara tried to get up only to find a tightly wrapped arm over her back. She looked over at Atton. He was facedown face etched in peace and his arm splayed over her in a gesture she felt happy about. So, she thought, this is what it felt like to wake up with someone.

Careful not to wake him, Kaira lifted his arm and gently laid it down on the rumpled sheets. She grabbed the nearest robe, wrapped it securely around her, and with one final look at the sleeping Atton left the room. She walked into the map room to find Mira perched against the wall. She tried to hide her surprise, but failed miserably. "Good morning, Mira." Mira grinned and ran a hand through her hair.

"I'm proud of you princess, you actually went for it. Knew you would, but just saying."

"Mira, I would thank you, but you know 'just saying'." Mira smiled this time and patted Kiara on the shoulder. "Anytime, Jedi." Kaira felt the sneaky suspicion she had been tricked, but ignored it. As Mira left the room, Atton entered.

He stared after Mira, before shrugging his shoulders and walking over to hug Kiara. "What was that about?" She smiled and kissed him lightly. "Nothing, just finishing a deal." At his confused look, she laughed.

"I'll explain when you're older."

Phew! _**Mentally shudders**_ Fin! I am so happy. I had such an itch I got into it and never stopped. I think this is going to be my only KOTOR fanfic, but that's okay! Dante allowed me to work this one! Yeah!

_**Dante appears**_ _You must work damn it, work, type and work some more!!!_

Read and Review again!!! Thank you!


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